Fly Free, Wingwoman

Does this sound familiar? - 24
Date: 2004-12-15, 12:10AM EST

The murmur of conversation dips as you walk into the minimalist space and scan the very subdued, very stylish crowd. It's a veritable sea of sleek, chic women with glossy hair, glossy lips, and glossy nails. They're all eyeing you approvingly, estimating just how well you'd fit into their tastefully furnished apartments, how you'd fit under their 300-thread count combed-cotton percale bedsheets and how you'd fit between their tanned, WSC-toned thighs. You, of course, would fit perfectly in all three. You're a fantasy: tall and broad-shouldered, with a penetrating gaze, endearingly messy hair, an easy smile, chiselled jawline, and a ripped body underneath your tailored Italian clothes.

You walk past the lot of them and take a seat at the bar. The gorgeous bartender tries to flirt, but your reply is cool and aloof. You're looking for something more. You order your drink and scan the room. One woman catches your eye. She's sipping a classic martini and gazing off into space, with a slightly weary expression in her grey eyes, a slight smirk playing on her full lips as another shiny yuppie couple sashays by. She's fair, with the porcelain complexion of a Renaissance portrait, short black hair grazing her cheekbones. Your breath catches as she crosses her long, slender legs in front of her. Is it possible? A fantasy woman for a fantasy man?

Yes, it's possible. But I'm over here, her short, plump and much less attractive friend--the girl you would usually assign to your wingman. Hi. What was my name again? You don't remember. That's ok. Welcome to Craigslist, the special hell assigned to lame sidekicks.

If you, somehow, are the kind of guy who would usually go for the, you know, hot one, but are curious about what the wingwomen are like, drop me a line. I'll enlighten you. I'm sick of wingmen, for now.

Total Number of Replies: 26 (2 from the same people that responded to the previous ad, 1 guy who sent the same email twice)
Number of Serious Replies: 24
Cream of the Crop:

"What a great post lets talk. I know its short but hey you did all the writing ;-) "
I'd say this bodes for a rather dysfunctional relationship.

"Hello fellow wingperson"

"Hi I do not get to the clubs that often but I like plump women. I would like to chat with you."
I have a fun game to play. It's called "Find the Non Sequitur."

"call me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx...just sack up and call; what’s the worst that could happen..."
They find my body in the Potomac tomorrow.

"And there is nothing more attractive and sexy than being real."
No. There is.

"I also have a bunch of NO’S……….no kids, no substance dependencies, no criminal record, no tattoos, no baby mamma’s, no crazy ex’s, no unhealthy habits."

"Now you're telling me that there are aflock of wing women hovering around out there to take one for the team too!"
Flock!

"Naughty but charming four wheeling, successful, poker playing, resourceful, craps shooting, funny, fast driving, intelligent, sometimes over indulgent, sensuous, feeling over sexed, articulate and happy go lucky white male...Years in the oil patch taught me to love cowboy life, and I still often wear the boots. Now I find Christian faith instead of my former narcissistic ways guides me through life’s upsand downs. I did quit drinking and drugging long ago – but that doesn’t stopm e from enjoying a party, nightlife or life for that matter. In fact it makes me a great-designated driver!"

"I'm an experienced Dom of 8 years who hasalso explored his sub side---life's about trying things."
Life's about trying things like Ethiopian cuisine, and bungee jumping. Not getting tied up in a leather sack, beaten with a truncheon and masturbated on.

"What I feel the most is beauty is what u have inside u and if a personfails to recognize it in u he is not worth it."
Here's the deal. The guys who recognize my inner beauty tend not to have any outer beauty. And I like outer beauty.

"Very clever ad! But did it occur to you that you are treating the hypothetical "wingman" with the same disdain that you yourself so resent?"
This guy also responded to the previous posting ("I really hope your tongue was firmly in your cheek when you wrote that...."). Smartass.

Honesty is the Best Policy (So They Say)

Not asking for much - 27
Date: 2004-12-13, 9:15PM EST

YOU: A suave and sophisticated Adonis with dark hair and green eyes, olive skin and an exquisite bone structure. Must be tall, lean and toned with endless stamina (both sexual and intellectual), sparkling wit, flawless logic, a doctorate degree and an impeccable sense of dress. Some sort of accent is essential--I love men with poor pronunciation. Must take charge without being domineering, and while maintaining a heart of pure, molten gold. Likes kittens and dark chocolate. Well-travelled is a plus, as is a healthy interest in sports as recreation, but with a preference for intelligent fireside conversation over fine French wine and amuse-bouches.

ME: None of the above but with an exaggerated sense of entitlement. I may not be beautiful, smart or witty but, by virtue of my existence, I damn well deserve someone who is.


Total Number of Replies: 22
Number of Serious Replies: 18
Cream of the Crop:

No matter how specific your requirements are, you still only get ball-park estimates. Sometimes they're not even ball-park estimates, sometimes they're so far out of the ball-park that they're in fucking Ukraine, where they don't play baseball and instead spend their time on foreign, un-American exploits like rigging elections and demanding recounts.

"Would you settle for a smart-ass, charming, intelligent, middle traveled, and healthy guy. One who played in the mud for 8 years as a Marine, then decided to be a geek and build computer networks for the government. "
No.

"One who is not crazy about cats, but somehow got suckered into taking one home found in southeast due to its visible ribs and pathetic meow. One who has lost his Bostonian accent but could probably produce one on demand (well as least request)."
Bostonian accent? Um, yeah. Sexy.

"One who does not have a doctorate, but is really bright anyways. One who can be strong without being controlling. One who owns a suit but would much rather wear jeans and sneakers. One who exercises regularly (read joined softball league, managed to somehow get injured 3 times, two that require trips to the hospital, and still stuck with it) and runs twice a week. One with light brown hair (all there) and sometimes green/sometimes blue/sometimes grey eyes. One who can actually make an edible meal (though not too many). One who has found the best ice cream on the planet (has dark chocolate in it)."
One who found an opportunity to brag and went for gold.

"One who (and this is the one that should push me over the edge) will actually 1) admit that he is not sure how to get somewhere and 2) actually stop and ASK for directions! Yes that’s right, you read correctly, ASK for directions!"
I don't know why men act like it's such a big deal when actually they ask for directions. Listen, if you want to drive around in circles for hours because you're too proud to ask someone who lives in the neighborhood, go right ahead.

"Act now because this kind of opportunity does not come by often."
It comes by every time I refresh the m4w page on Craigslist.

"And don’t worry; we’ll get that exaggerated sense of self entitlement fixed quickly."
Because you'll make me feel small and worthless?

"Oh, and we will work on your spelling too!"
Oh, fuck you (I mispelled "existence" as "existance" in the first ad). You're the one responding to an obviously fake Craigslist ad. Twat.

"yes, dark hair and blue/green eyes. adonis i don't know though myprofile resembles those on greek coins...not so much bone structure -- maybe if i ate less. like to talk and ideas so plenty of intellect pseudo or otherwise..."

"I really hope your tongue was firmly in your cheek when you wrote that....I think you read one too many male ads and got severely annoyed."
Not annoyed. Never annoyed. Merely...jaded.

"While I may be agauche, ugly and out of wits, I I can still hold interest of mostdemading people."

"wow.. is there anything else that you like? i hold my own very well, but your xmas wish list sets me back a bit."
No. You can be a paranoid schizophrenic as long as you can fulfil all the other attributes. I'm Wiccan.

"I like your add and what you want so let's give it a try. I am 31. Originally from Europe, have a law degree there and a telecommunication company here. I'm 5'7. Like swimming and diving. Good dancer (partenership dancing "70-'80 and modern music). Never married, no children."

"I’ve got at least 17 out of 23, depending on how you’re counting. I think that deserves a picture, especially since I’m attaching a half-picture of myself"
The half of his face he showed was good looking. I bet he has an enormous hairy mole on his chin. Or no mouth.

"IF ONLY I DIDN'T LOSE MY ACCENT. DAMN"

"I have a Ph.D in Economics, love sports, and intelligent conversation. I have an olive complexion, dress well, and I have endless sexual and intellectual stamina. My parents were born and raised in Greece, so an accent is part of the family. I love kittens and I am a very kind and considerate person. "
Not so much the Adonis part, though.

"At least your honest, good luck with it, if you feel like mingling with the Masters educated riff raff drop me a line"
"YOU'RE," GOD DAMN IT!

"Lady:
You are asking for double standards. Not that it would be unconscionable,or anything, but that's what we see a lot: bloated women asking for the sky. Well, that's where your pie will remain.
No sympathy."
Double standards? What tipped you off?

"Hi,You're probably a very nice person and your writing style is entertaining. I hate to break it to you, but, your ad comes off as "asking for everything."Most guys on CL are just average (even the ones who think they are god's gift)"
I wouldn't exactly describe Craigslist guys as average ("You must be into backdoor sex and all that goes with it," "You should like to be spanked,told how to dress and and more...and if you're good, you should expect even more")

"P.S: Do not be intimidated by the muscles. I used to be in professional bodybuilding."
He looks like a barge covered in shiny skin.

Ain't No Other Brother Cooking These Delicacies

suave parisian seeks naive american girl - 36 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2004-12-10, 3:45PM EST

Eventually, you get tired of trips around the globe, Upper East Side penthouses and expensive suits. I hail from France, and if anyone can get tired of having a willing Columbian model for a wife, it is I. My life bores me immensely, and purchasing a new car in the vulgar American fashion will do nothing for me; I have more automobiles than most men have underwear.

This is where you come in. I am seeking a young, impressionable girl, preferably hailing from the backwoods of this god-forsaken country, to become my mistress. I will provide you with a tasteful, well-appointed apartment at least 15 blocks from my own. I will take you to restaurants where you will have difficulty even pronouncing the appetizers properly and, every month, will whisk you away to some exotic location, where we will dine on expensive local delicacies and fall asleep to the sounds of the ocean. I will purchase expensive gifts for you, like handbags crafted from alligator skin and dresses crafted by the greatest designers in the world.

Of course, I expect you to accomodate me in every conceivable way. You must never question my judgment, and I will become extremely angry if you mention marriage. I love my wife and have no intention of leaving her. Also, keep in mind that I may become bored with you. Should this occur, be advised that I will have one of my many rich associates find you a synecure somewhere. I am a monster, but hardly heartless.

(When responding, be sure to include measurements, a picture and your sexual history. This will greatly simplify the selection process for me.)

Total Number of Replies: 6
Number of Serious Replies: 6
Cream of the Crop:

Apparently, girls are not proponents of the "cluster bomb" approach to Craigslist. Nevertheless, the simple fact that EVERY LAST RESPONSE was serious makes this, in my mind, a resounding success. At least I now know that, ten years from now, when I am rich and bored, there will be young, nubile women willing to degrade themselves for the opportunity to be my mistress. Or, as Toh says, "There are a lot of prostitutes out there."

interesting.
i will send you a picture from home tonight..
would love to meet for lunch tomorrow.
Me too. I assume you want me to pay?

thought your post was 'interesting'..
i'm an ex-model.. quit two years ago. never had the personality for it.
Some would argue you never had a personality.

i read your post.
i am new to this site, but i think you are the only man (on this site any
way) who could handle me.
it would be a mistake for us not to meet.
Handle you? If by "handle" you mean pay your bills, you're probably wrong.

I am a 20 year old American girl, currently living in Manhattan. En plus, je suis etudiante de francais. I loved your posting, and couldn't resist replying. I am 5'7", 117 lbs, athletic ( l like dance and yoga). Here are some pictures of me...hope to hear from you!
You are beautiful. Unfortunately, I am actually a college student living in Chicago with virtually no income. However, I am really French! Or half-French, but don't let that stop you.

So, when I read the craigslist posting I wonder if
this is someone's real life or a mockery for truly and
completely naive american girls. How many people fall
for this? If it is true thought, how many people dont
take it seriously and pass up this offer?
Apparently, no one. Everyone knows the French do things like this.

Please be advised that marriage would not interest me, especially in a strictly business relationship.
Yes, that's what I usually tell my clients.

And the real winner:
HI
um...literally, I've never done this before, but I figured, life is about taking chances and leaping into the unknown cuz that’s what makes life memorable and spontaneous and even friends were once strangers.
So about me.....
Very happy, hyper and positive....artistic and fashionable... I enjoy going to Museums, galleries, plays, movies, dining out...
My hobbies are learning how to play the piano, running (track and field) used to hehe..., cooking, drawing (fashion and japanese anime), dancing, learning foreign languages, designing web pages, reading (AI, string theory, nanotechnology, virtual reality , CG ppl...basically tech related )
I have a wide interest in music varying from diff genres, my ultimate favorite is Beethoven, then Tchaikovsky, chopin, Liszt, the beatles, Yanni, Edith Piaf, Jacques Brel, Julio Iglesias, enrico macias, Idir and Leon (Chinese singer), Russian music, …etc , but I'm mostly into classics.
I love travelling, I've been to London, Paris, Canada, Morrocco, Tunisia and lived in Algeria, so I have a good perspective on the world.
Don’t watch much tv except for cartoon network (adult swim), friends, will and grace, Bill Moyers and ofcourse Desprate housewives lol...I'm more into watching foreign movies, such as Amelie, All about my mother, cinema paradiso, merci pour le chocolat, sex and lucia, the piano teacher or classics anything with Audrey Hepburn
I speak Algerian, French, and Arabic and learning Russian and Spanish …gave up on Chinese... lol
I'm 22 yrs old ,5'6 and slim
I'm a student graduating next semester with an applied mathematics and stats degree....I'm sure there are other stuff that I just forgot to mention
I enjoy long walks by the beach and snow cones. I speak two languages, but I have trouble writing this English thing. Thanks for the pictures.