Me, In 15 Years
Tick...tick...tick - 33
Date: 2004-10-18, 3:35PM EDT
You know what that sound is? It's my biological clock ticking a slow, sure, inexorable march toward a lonely, mothball-scented decrepitude with a herd of mewling cats and an overgrown jungle of a front-yard. My lush, carefree, teenage years are over. My sparkling, glamorous twenties are over. I have only a few years of elasticity left in my skin before I begin to shrivel and wilt like a prune. In a few months, the sparkle in my eye will be gone, replaced by the dull sheen of infirmity. My limbs will become brittle, like old twigs.
Mes amis, I am getting old. I need a man. My years of drunken one-night fumbles are over. I'm sick of coming home to my chic, pristine, exquisitely furnished Dupont Circle apartment, kicking off my stilettoes, mixing myself a drink before calling up my friends for a night out in Adams Morgan. No, these days I long for a cramped and cluttered semi-detached in Maryland, with crayon scrawls on the walls, an explosion of gaudy plastic toys and Jello pudding splattered around the family room. Seriously. Nothing scares me more than being a cat-lady one day.
So basically I'm looking for a decent, upstanding man with good genes and a comfortable income who's willing to commit to a long-lasting relationship and to fertilize my moribund ova before it's too late.
P.S. I want tall kids.
Total Number of Replies: 34
Number of Serious Replies: 27
Cream of the Crop:
This one didn't have very good responses. I think it may have been too plausible. Also, possibly, because its demographic was slightly older than what I usually work with and was, ergo, less ridiculous. There were some exceptions though.
"I have done my time seeing what's outthere, and farming (aka sewing wild oats) now bores me."
You know what they say: "a stitch in time saves nine"...oh wait, that doesn't work.
"clean d&d free. I consider myself a thick brother that looks good and not sloppy. I keep myself looking clean at all times unless I’m working on my car or something like that. But I have clean nails and work in a professional environment so I have to look presentable at all times. "
But are you clean?
"mobilesperm included......"
"Hi Honey, How are you?...I love women who is very kind and romantic, hot and lovely...If you are same persom, Please let me know? Thanks baby"
Hot AND lovely? I'm not sure I can live up to those kind of expectations.
"i've been a sperm donor and have a count of 5 (out of 5) socan easily impregnate you pretty quickly.let me know when you want the kids to squire out!"
"I'll fertilize you, but after that it's ova."
Oh God. How long did it take you to come up with that one?
"Oh.. gosh... I can't imagine a more delightful life than to be your sperm donor, and meal ticket."
There are few things worse than the flagrant abuse of ellipses and the bastardization of sarcasm.
Date: 2004-10-18, 3:35PM EDT
You know what that sound is? It's my biological clock ticking a slow, sure, inexorable march toward a lonely, mothball-scented decrepitude with a herd of mewling cats and an overgrown jungle of a front-yard. My lush, carefree, teenage years are over. My sparkling, glamorous twenties are over. I have only a few years of elasticity left in my skin before I begin to shrivel and wilt like a prune. In a few months, the sparkle in my eye will be gone, replaced by the dull sheen of infirmity. My limbs will become brittle, like old twigs.
Mes amis, I am getting old. I need a man. My years of drunken one-night fumbles are over. I'm sick of coming home to my chic, pristine, exquisitely furnished Dupont Circle apartment, kicking off my stilettoes, mixing myself a drink before calling up my friends for a night out in Adams Morgan. No, these days I long for a cramped and cluttered semi-detached in Maryland, with crayon scrawls on the walls, an explosion of gaudy plastic toys and Jello pudding splattered around the family room. Seriously. Nothing scares me more than being a cat-lady one day.
So basically I'm looking for a decent, upstanding man with good genes and a comfortable income who's willing to commit to a long-lasting relationship and to fertilize my moribund ova before it's too late.
P.S. I want tall kids.
Total Number of Replies: 34
Number of Serious Replies: 27
Cream of the Crop:
This one didn't have very good responses. I think it may have been too plausible. Also, possibly, because its demographic was slightly older than what I usually work with and was, ergo, less ridiculous. There were some exceptions though.
"I have done my time seeing what's outthere, and farming (aka sewing wild oats) now bores me."
You know what they say: "a stitch in time saves nine"...oh wait, that doesn't work.
"clean d&d free. I consider myself a thick brother that looks good and not sloppy. I keep myself looking clean at all times unless I’m working on my car or something like that. But I have clean nails and work in a professional environment so I have to look presentable at all times. "
But are you clean?
"mobilesperm included......"
"Hi Honey, How are you?...I love women who is very kind and romantic, hot and lovely...If you are same persom, Please let me know? Thanks baby"
Hot AND lovely? I'm not sure I can live up to those kind of expectations.
"i've been a sperm donor and have a count of 5 (out of 5) socan easily impregnate you pretty quickly.let me know when you want the kids to squire out!"
"I'll fertilize you, but after that it's ova."
Oh God. How long did it take you to come up with that one?
"Oh.. gosh... I can't imagine a more delightful life than to be your sperm donor, and meal ticket."
There are few things worse than the flagrant abuse of ellipses and the bastardization of sarcasm.
posted by Laura at 8:27 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home