Congratulations, You're Typical
The Perfect Hipster Accessory - 22
You've got the sexy, shaggy, unkempt greasy-but-not-too-gross hair. You've got flawless skin so pale that you glow in the dark. You've got the ironic vintage shirt, the shabby corduroy blazer and the chic designer jeans. You've got the carefully beat-up Chucks. You've got a two room walk-up in Williamsburg which you share with a highly-strung actor, a struggling writer, a freegan and a docile, hairy guy in a poncho who grows weed under the kitchen sink. To top it all off, you've got your own up-and-coming post-punk band. You're almost perfect. But wait a minute. You're missing something:
The ethnic girlfriend.
Yes, you've got the look down but, as we ALL know, nothing's complete without accessories. You without a ethnic girlfriend is like a messenger bag without thousands of buttons proclaiming your political leanings and your extensive knowledge of music.Well luckily for you, here I am. Your very own, personal, cute, non-threatening, little Asian. What better way to piss off your wealthy blue-blood Greenwich-Hamptons family, without pushing the line, than to date a shy, quiet, non-threatening Asian chick? Yellow's close enough to white, anyway. After all, you wouldn't want your parents to cut you off from your monthly allowance - you might have to get a job and give up your dreams of being a rock star. Anyway, you majored in English and Music at NYU, and teaching's not really your thing.
Also, you really need somebody to drape your arm around after your show, to hand you a beer as soon as you come off stage and to tell you just how good you were. You were SO good. Yes, someone who will complement your style without overshadowing you. Want to coordinate outfits? I've got a vintage crocheted minidress that would look amazing with your tweed jacket.
I can be anything you want, baby. Want me to wear only black and white, sneer and blow smoke into people's eyes? I can do that. Want me to dress like I smoked a bowl of ice and then hitched a ride with Marty McFly in the Delorean? I got you covered. Want me to impress your snotty friends with my extensive vocabulary and vast knowledge of International Relations? I'll read-up on my current events just for you, even though I hide copies of Star magazine in my copy of the Voice. After all, I did go to an elite boarding school and then art-school, where I majored in graphic design.
If I hadn't, would I be the well-dressed, cooler-than-thou hipster I am today?
Also, I'm stick-thin, fashionably bisexual and smoke bidis. I am publicly a socialist but am secretly a rampant materialist. Do you think I actually go to Sal-Val for these ironic shirts? Please. I shop exclusively at Andy's Cheepee's, Cheapjack's and Screaming Mimi's. So what if I have to pay the finder's fee? It's not like I don't have a trust-fund, anyway. I just wait tables at the vegan restaurant to look like I'm slumming it. I don't actually need the money.
So. You need to have me hanging like a wristband off your lanky arm and you know it. Please, bassists and drummers only - and send a picture. I only pretend I'm not shallow.
Total Number of Replies: 24 +
Number of Serious Replies: 13
Cream of the Crop:
"i love to spoil the asian woman i am with...let me be clear, i am not lookng for sex, i just want someone that i can meet and either take shopping, or just give cash to, or spoil and pamper in any other way you might choose...we can start off slow, just meeting briefly so i can give you cash or gifts then if over time we get along, we can see about more spoiling, and maybe even spending more time together, getting to really get to know each other. i would really love someone in my life to spoil regularly."
You have expensive tastes. Why don't you buy a Real Doll?
"Close, but no cigar. I don’t have a rock band yet"
"Awesome. I hope I see you at the Garage Band Fest Saturday. Maybe we can do a bowl. You know what would be cool, if you wore a miniskirt and tank top that matched one of my Les Paul guitars...I used to take the L train, but I got a Vespa now...I like those vintage stores, but the ones on Bedford ave are much cheaper, and I found a Filter CD once for like $4...What are you studying at art school? I went to RISD, but kind of flunked out, but what the fuck, they didn't know what they were teaching."
I don't know whether this guy was being serious or not, to be honest.
"you sound absolutely perfect... we've probably exchanged glances on the L... or seen each other at some loft party or rock show slash festival...i shop at places like andys cheepees and tokyo seven"
"i only have the chance to be a hipster on the weekends...but i definitely have a stock of goodwill t-shirts and four-sizes-too-big plaid pants. i don't actually think i'm stylish enough to be a hipster - i think i'm just a nerd."
At least you admit it, sweetie.
You've got the sexy, shaggy, unkempt greasy-but-not-too-gross hair. You've got flawless skin so pale that you glow in the dark. You've got the ironic vintage shirt, the shabby corduroy blazer and the chic designer jeans. You've got the carefully beat-up Chucks. You've got a two room walk-up in Williamsburg which you share with a highly-strung actor, a struggling writer, a freegan and a docile, hairy guy in a poncho who grows weed under the kitchen sink. To top it all off, you've got your own up-and-coming post-punk band. You're almost perfect. But wait a minute. You're missing something:
The ethnic girlfriend.
Yes, you've got the look down but, as we ALL know, nothing's complete without accessories. You without a ethnic girlfriend is like a messenger bag without thousands of buttons proclaiming your political leanings and your extensive knowledge of music.Well luckily for you, here I am. Your very own, personal, cute, non-threatening, little Asian. What better way to piss off your wealthy blue-blood Greenwich-Hamptons family, without pushing the line, than to date a shy, quiet, non-threatening Asian chick? Yellow's close enough to white, anyway. After all, you wouldn't want your parents to cut you off from your monthly allowance - you might have to get a job and give up your dreams of being a rock star. Anyway, you majored in English and Music at NYU, and teaching's not really your thing.
Also, you really need somebody to drape your arm around after your show, to hand you a beer as soon as you come off stage and to tell you just how good you were. You were SO good. Yes, someone who will complement your style without overshadowing you. Want to coordinate outfits? I've got a vintage crocheted minidress that would look amazing with your tweed jacket.
I can be anything you want, baby. Want me to wear only black and white, sneer and blow smoke into people's eyes? I can do that. Want me to dress like I smoked a bowl of ice and then hitched a ride with Marty McFly in the Delorean? I got you covered. Want me to impress your snotty friends with my extensive vocabulary and vast knowledge of International Relations? I'll read-up on my current events just for you, even though I hide copies of Star magazine in my copy of the Voice. After all, I did go to an elite boarding school and then art-school, where I majored in graphic design.
If I hadn't, would I be the well-dressed, cooler-than-thou hipster I am today?
Also, I'm stick-thin, fashionably bisexual and smoke bidis. I am publicly a socialist but am secretly a rampant materialist. Do you think I actually go to Sal-Val for these ironic shirts? Please. I shop exclusively at Andy's Cheepee's, Cheapjack's and Screaming Mimi's. So what if I have to pay the finder's fee? It's not like I don't have a trust-fund, anyway. I just wait tables at the vegan restaurant to look like I'm slumming it. I don't actually need the money.
So. You need to have me hanging like a wristband off your lanky arm and you know it. Please, bassists and drummers only - and send a picture. I only pretend I'm not shallow.
Total Number of Replies: 24 +
Number of Serious Replies: 13
Cream of the Crop:
"i love to spoil the asian woman i am with...let me be clear, i am not lookng for sex, i just want someone that i can meet and either take shopping, or just give cash to, or spoil and pamper in any other way you might choose...we can start off slow, just meeting briefly so i can give you cash or gifts then if over time we get along, we can see about more spoiling, and maybe even spending more time together, getting to really get to know each other. i would really love someone in my life to spoil regularly."
You have expensive tastes. Why don't you buy a Real Doll?
"Close, but no cigar. I don’t have a rock band yet"
"Awesome. I hope I see you at the Garage Band Fest Saturday. Maybe we can do a bowl. You know what would be cool, if you wore a miniskirt and tank top that matched one of my Les Paul guitars...I used to take the L train, but I got a Vespa now...I like those vintage stores, but the ones on Bedford ave are much cheaper, and I found a Filter CD once for like $4...What are you studying at art school? I went to RISD, but kind of flunked out, but what the fuck, they didn't know what they were teaching."
I don't know whether this guy was being serious or not, to be honest.
"you sound absolutely perfect... we've probably exchanged glances on the L... or seen each other at some loft party or rock show slash festival...i shop at places like andys cheepees and tokyo seven"
"i only have the chance to be a hipster on the weekends...but i definitely have a stock of goodwill t-shirts and four-sizes-too-big plaid pants. i don't actually think i'm stylish enough to be a hipster - i think i'm just a nerd."
At least you admit it, sweetie.
posted by Laura at 6:18 PM
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