And This Porridge Was Just Right

Nice and cute - 24
Date: 2006-05-31, 9:28PM EDT

Hi. I am cute and nice. I'm looking for someone who is also cute, nice and who likes to have fun. In my free time, I like to have fun. It's important to me that you do not like not having fun. I like to do different types of things. I like all kinds of music and I also like to watch movies. I have many vague interests but do not feel particularly strongly about anything because I kind of like everything. You are okay. I am okay. Life is okay. Everything is okay.

If you also like doing things, email me and maybe we can be bland and tepid together.

Total Number of Replies: 32
Number of Serious Replies: 29
Cream of the Crop:

"I just saw your post and throught it was very sincere and sweet."

"Hi! we'd be very nice and cute together . You seem great and a girl i'd get along with. I like doing things and looking for someone to do them with."
Everyone would get along with a girl like this. There can be no points of conflict because everything is okay.

"i like doing things too, not any thing specific but anything. im work most of the time but on my free time all my friend work, so i do nothing , so if you want to do something well you know."

" nice and cute are my 2 favorite qualities, it's just like me"

" hope you are enjoying your evening! Just wanted to say hi :) I like your attitude, very positive!!"
My evening's been okay.

"That was very original. Cute, short and simple."
...original?!?!?

"mediocrity is so hot!"

"i like stuff, stuff is cool."

"tepidness sounds pretty comforting and solid...i'd like to at least have a tepid friend i might talk to!"
But, why?

"shut the fuck up bitch"

"i like most things and i like to have fun too!"
OMG, we're like a PERFECT match!!!!

"I have been asking myself this question for years " do i really like to do things" and finally the questiuon has been answered.......yes.

I also like to have fun, and lots of it. Some other things I enjoy are things that are good. For instance: good movies, I love good movies. I also really like good food, Good food is awesome, especially when you eat it. Now these things are all great (movies, food, fun, doing things) but the only thing that can make them better is doing them with someone else, especially someone who also enjoys doing them."

Dost My Deadly White Face Terrify You O' Nights?

Where is my dark prince? - 21
Date: 2006-03-06, 6:09PM EST

I am Salome Kei, an earthbound angel searching for one with whom I can explore the fantasies of this twilight world and celebrate the decadence of this crumbling hell-bound civilization. Together, we shall prowl the crepuscular megalopolitan streets, studying the shallow hollow-eyed consumerism that saturates the withered lives of our human brethren. We shall probe the innermost angles of our skeletal frames, bathed in the ethereal silver light of the White Goddess, discovering each other like wide-eyed children, drinking in each other’s beauty and revelling in the icy aloofness of Peter Murphy’s voice. Crimson, white and black shall be our nights, heated by love and sanguine wine, dark-eyed against, shadows, on white skin. No fatties.

Total Number of Replies: 14
Number of Serious Replies: 11
Cream of the Crop:
So so so many of these were from people who responded to the trust-fund post as well. Their scatter-bomb approach to love may be why these people are looking for romance on Craigslist.

" No 21 y/o girl would write like this. You are obviously a gay guy. Get a life or at least a
better hobbie."
Because gay guys always do things like this.

"Pirate Queen to my Pirate King...Jewish/buddhist...Joker, smoker, midnight toker. Cried for Kong in the movie...In previous years I have owned a candle business and a statuary business which produced gargoyles mostly. I have a patent in moldmaking for candles....I was married in Vermont when I was very young.She is 13 years older than I am, so I guess you could say that I was cradlerobbed."

"your post seems highly quotative...like anime beingtransposed into a form not conducive."
Anime is shit.

"Yea to thee, O Angel Fallen - for it takes a divine will to stare into the engulfing nihil predicted by so many. I spend my days gazing upon the Platonic realm with naught but the occasional foray into the misery of common existence.

And yet the lure of decadence wafts through my nose even as I am looking upon pure form. The slightest interruption of my meditation is a crevasse through which the unspeakable horrors traverse. I have long dreamed of immersion, of abandonment, of embrace. My bony posture is more suited for darkness, as a glanceat my lack of physical substance might leave theviewer to suspect that I exist partially in some other realm.

I implore thee, O Angel, to consider taking me as your partner in this sojourn into darkness."


Those who didn't quite understand the "dark prince" reference:

"here is the dark skin guy. if u interested to dark skin let me know"

"Holla at me sexy from Harlem 5'5 sexy shorty"
Shorty fo' real - 5'5" yo? I'm fucking Asian and I'm taller than that.

Seems Like An Excellent Plan to Me

Rich? Elitist? THANK GOD! - 22
Date: 2006-02-03, 8:10PM EST

As graduation looms ahead, I begin to realize that the last thing I want to do is to get a job. Employment is so very pedestrian. I could would be quite happy living on my parents' dime. They, however, would not.

So here's my plan: I want a wastrel with a trust fund. I am looking for someone to squander my college degree on and to fritter away my life with. Someone whom I can eventually marry in a sumptuous but tasteful ceremony in his family's Napa Valley mansion, and then divorce several months later, taking approximately half of his assets in a media feeding frenzy.

I would like to swan around cosmopolitan Mediterranean cities in a blithe and shiny-haired manner. The world has many al fresco cafes, in which I would like to sit (luxuriating in a nicotine-, caffeine- and sunshine-induced haze) while staring moodily at passerbys hurrying toward their cripplingly dull vocations. I wouldn't be sitting by myself, of course. My trustfunder would be by my side. Someone has to pay for my cafe au lait.

"A lot to ask," you may comment, snorting at my audacity. However, my credentials are more than adequate for the position. I smile often and speak seldom. I have shiny hair and a clear complexion. I look good in enormous sunglasses and odd fashion trends. Furthermore, I understand enough about computers to conceal and password protect any incriminating photographs or videos.

And finally, I am better looking than Paris Hilton.

What more do you need?

Total Number of Replies: 20
Number of Serious Replies: 16
Cream of the Crop:

"May I have the honor of a dance in this cybermasquerade ball?"

"you need to get real"

"How are you? I'm not exactly a trust fund kid."
Then why are you responding?

"ain't that some shit. as you say you're one of those hotty hot hot princesses...i see that your calculation (MC^2= Paris Hilton) is dangerous but fucking brilliant. so i toast, cheers to you mate. what other interests do you have besides looking conspicuous? "

"We should talk about this, are you really seriousabout marrying a trust-fund baby?"

"Just this once I'll whisk you away from your tragically boring existence, marry you, and divorce you in quick succession. Then leave me alone forever, for I won't want to be bothered."


The perfect match(es):
"I've always been looking for my equal, a female with whom I could laugh at the peasants while they refresh my morning highball glass. Perhaps we could discuss the importance of saving the environment while jetting around the world on my fuel-gobbling learjet?

The real question is whether you know how to properly discipline the hired help. There is nothing worse than a maid who cannot properly prepare a bed. I sure hope you have the cutting and terse vocalizations needed to whip such a young illegal immigrant girl into shape?"

"Dear future arm-candy,

I am a wealthy, self-centered, young socialite. I own my family’s business and delegate my duties to corporate managers. This allows me lots of time to drive in my many cars, drink my many wines, and fly my private helicopter from my penthouse apartment in NYC to my beach houses in the Hamptons and Martha’s Vineyard. I maintain an account at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, and have a permanently reserved table at Daniel. Of course, it goes without saying that I love clubbing. And I can’t afford to be seen, in my circles, with anyone less than stunningly attractive. I expect you to be at least as attractive as you claim to be, if not more so. Naturally, I turn to Craigslist to find the cream of the city’s female crop.

I was impressed with what you wrote. You seem to know about shopping and style and you claim to know sexiness as a second language. I’m glad you insist on maintaining your beauty as a career. This will keep me from having to remind you to get facials or waxes. Tell me, what is your position on high heeled shoes (for me, wearing would be a necessity for you) and thong panties (if they must be worn, they must be thong). Additionally, what are your sexual interests? The woman I select for the prestigious postion of “girl-standing-next-to-me” will have to be very… open minded. I attend plenty of underground clubs, and don’t want to have to put up with prudish behaviour.

Please send several photos of yourself from several different angles in various stages of dress. Nudes, gowns, bikinis, suits, jeans. And some recent medical history. I want to know what I’m getting into, no pun intended. Photos of me, of course, are irrelevant.

Time is short. I leave for Tahiti soon."

The very, very best response I have ever received:
"Dearest Lady !

I admire Paris Hilton so much because she is very beautiful and special sexy !

If you are only half so beautiful I like to spend much money on you.

Please send with your answer 4 or 5 photos (not only 1)

big embrase !"

Fly Free, Wingwoman

Does this sound familiar? - 24
Date: 2004-12-15, 12:10AM EST

The murmur of conversation dips as you walk into the minimalist space and scan the very subdued, very stylish crowd. It's a veritable sea of sleek, chic women with glossy hair, glossy lips, and glossy nails. They're all eyeing you approvingly, estimating just how well you'd fit into their tastefully furnished apartments, how you'd fit under their 300-thread count combed-cotton percale bedsheets and how you'd fit between their tanned, WSC-toned thighs. You, of course, would fit perfectly in all three. You're a fantasy: tall and broad-shouldered, with a penetrating gaze, endearingly messy hair, an easy smile, chiselled jawline, and a ripped body underneath your tailored Italian clothes.

You walk past the lot of them and take a seat at the bar. The gorgeous bartender tries to flirt, but your reply is cool and aloof. You're looking for something more. You order your drink and scan the room. One woman catches your eye. She's sipping a classic martini and gazing off into space, with a slightly weary expression in her grey eyes, a slight smirk playing on her full lips as another shiny yuppie couple sashays by. She's fair, with the porcelain complexion of a Renaissance portrait, short black hair grazing her cheekbones. Your breath catches as she crosses her long, slender legs in front of her. Is it possible? A fantasy woman for a fantasy man?

Yes, it's possible. But I'm over here, her short, plump and much less attractive friend--the girl you would usually assign to your wingman. Hi. What was my name again? You don't remember. That's ok. Welcome to Craigslist, the special hell assigned to lame sidekicks.

If you, somehow, are the kind of guy who would usually go for the, you know, hot one, but are curious about what the wingwomen are like, drop me a line. I'll enlighten you. I'm sick of wingmen, for now.

Total Number of Replies: 26 (2 from the same people that responded to the previous ad, 1 guy who sent the same email twice)
Number of Serious Replies: 24
Cream of the Crop:

"What a great post lets talk. I know its short but hey you did all the writing ;-) "
I'd say this bodes for a rather dysfunctional relationship.

"Hello fellow wingperson"

"Hi I do not get to the clubs that often but I like plump women. I would like to chat with you."
I have a fun game to play. It's called "Find the Non Sequitur."

"call me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx...just sack up and call; what’s the worst that could happen..."
They find my body in the Potomac tomorrow.

"And there is nothing more attractive and sexy than being real."
No. There is.

"I also have a bunch of NO’S……….no kids, no substance dependencies, no criminal record, no tattoos, no baby mamma’s, no crazy ex’s, no unhealthy habits."

"Now you're telling me that there are aflock of wing women hovering around out there to take one for the team too!"
Flock!

"Naughty but charming four wheeling, successful, poker playing, resourceful, craps shooting, funny, fast driving, intelligent, sometimes over indulgent, sensuous, feeling over sexed, articulate and happy go lucky white male...Years in the oil patch taught me to love cowboy life, and I still often wear the boots. Now I find Christian faith instead of my former narcissistic ways guides me through life’s upsand downs. I did quit drinking and drugging long ago – but that doesn’t stopm e from enjoying a party, nightlife or life for that matter. In fact it makes me a great-designated driver!"

"I'm an experienced Dom of 8 years who hasalso explored his sub side---life's about trying things."
Life's about trying things like Ethiopian cuisine, and bungee jumping. Not getting tied up in a leather sack, beaten with a truncheon and masturbated on.

"What I feel the most is beauty is what u have inside u and if a personfails to recognize it in u he is not worth it."
Here's the deal. The guys who recognize my inner beauty tend not to have any outer beauty. And I like outer beauty.

"Very clever ad! But did it occur to you that you are treating the hypothetical "wingman" with the same disdain that you yourself so resent?"
This guy also responded to the previous posting ("I really hope your tongue was firmly in your cheek when you wrote that...."). Smartass.

Honesty is the Best Policy (So They Say)

Not asking for much - 27
Date: 2004-12-13, 9:15PM EST

YOU: A suave and sophisticated Adonis with dark hair and green eyes, olive skin and an exquisite bone structure. Must be tall, lean and toned with endless stamina (both sexual and intellectual), sparkling wit, flawless logic, a doctorate degree and an impeccable sense of dress. Some sort of accent is essential--I love men with poor pronunciation. Must take charge without being domineering, and while maintaining a heart of pure, molten gold. Likes kittens and dark chocolate. Well-travelled is a plus, as is a healthy interest in sports as recreation, but with a preference for intelligent fireside conversation over fine French wine and amuse-bouches.

ME: None of the above but with an exaggerated sense of entitlement. I may not be beautiful, smart or witty but, by virtue of my existence, I damn well deserve someone who is.


Total Number of Replies: 22
Number of Serious Replies: 18
Cream of the Crop:

No matter how specific your requirements are, you still only get ball-park estimates. Sometimes they're not even ball-park estimates, sometimes they're so far out of the ball-park that they're in fucking Ukraine, where they don't play baseball and instead spend their time on foreign, un-American exploits like rigging elections and demanding recounts.

"Would you settle for a smart-ass, charming, intelligent, middle traveled, and healthy guy. One who played in the mud for 8 years as a Marine, then decided to be a geek and build computer networks for the government. "
No.

"One who is not crazy about cats, but somehow got suckered into taking one home found in southeast due to its visible ribs and pathetic meow. One who has lost his Bostonian accent but could probably produce one on demand (well as least request)."
Bostonian accent? Um, yeah. Sexy.

"One who does not have a doctorate, but is really bright anyways. One who can be strong without being controlling. One who owns a suit but would much rather wear jeans and sneakers. One who exercises regularly (read joined softball league, managed to somehow get injured 3 times, two that require trips to the hospital, and still stuck with it) and runs twice a week. One with light brown hair (all there) and sometimes green/sometimes blue/sometimes grey eyes. One who can actually make an edible meal (though not too many). One who has found the best ice cream on the planet (has dark chocolate in it)."
One who found an opportunity to brag and went for gold.

"One who (and this is the one that should push me over the edge) will actually 1) admit that he is not sure how to get somewhere and 2) actually stop and ASK for directions! Yes that’s right, you read correctly, ASK for directions!"
I don't know why men act like it's such a big deal when actually they ask for directions. Listen, if you want to drive around in circles for hours because you're too proud to ask someone who lives in the neighborhood, go right ahead.

"Act now because this kind of opportunity does not come by often."
It comes by every time I refresh the m4w page on Craigslist.

"And don’t worry; we’ll get that exaggerated sense of self entitlement fixed quickly."
Because you'll make me feel small and worthless?

"Oh, and we will work on your spelling too!"
Oh, fuck you (I mispelled "existence" as "existance" in the first ad). You're the one responding to an obviously fake Craigslist ad. Twat.

"yes, dark hair and blue/green eyes. adonis i don't know though myprofile resembles those on greek coins...not so much bone structure -- maybe if i ate less. like to talk and ideas so plenty of intellect pseudo or otherwise..."

"I really hope your tongue was firmly in your cheek when you wrote that....I think you read one too many male ads and got severely annoyed."
Not annoyed. Never annoyed. Merely...jaded.

"While I may be agauche, ugly and out of wits, I I can still hold interest of mostdemading people."

"wow.. is there anything else that you like? i hold my own very well, but your xmas wish list sets me back a bit."
No. You can be a paranoid schizophrenic as long as you can fulfil all the other attributes. I'm Wiccan.

"I like your add and what you want so let's give it a try. I am 31. Originally from Europe, have a law degree there and a telecommunication company here. I'm 5'7. Like swimming and diving. Good dancer (partenership dancing "70-'80 and modern music). Never married, no children."

"I’ve got at least 17 out of 23, depending on how you’re counting. I think that deserves a picture, especially since I’m attaching a half-picture of myself"
The half of his face he showed was good looking. I bet he has an enormous hairy mole on his chin. Or no mouth.

"IF ONLY I DIDN'T LOSE MY ACCENT. DAMN"

"I have a Ph.D in Economics, love sports, and intelligent conversation. I have an olive complexion, dress well, and I have endless sexual and intellectual stamina. My parents were born and raised in Greece, so an accent is part of the family. I love kittens and I am a very kind and considerate person. "
Not so much the Adonis part, though.

"At least your honest, good luck with it, if you feel like mingling with the Masters educated riff raff drop me a line"
"YOU'RE," GOD DAMN IT!

"Lady:
You are asking for double standards. Not that it would be unconscionable,or anything, but that's what we see a lot: bloated women asking for the sky. Well, that's where your pie will remain.
No sympathy."
Double standards? What tipped you off?

"Hi,You're probably a very nice person and your writing style is entertaining. I hate to break it to you, but, your ad comes off as "asking for everything."Most guys on CL are just average (even the ones who think they are god's gift)"
I wouldn't exactly describe Craigslist guys as average ("You must be into backdoor sex and all that goes with it," "You should like to be spanked,told how to dress and and more...and if you're good, you should expect even more")

"P.S: Do not be intimidated by the muscles. I used to be in professional bodybuilding."
He looks like a barge covered in shiny skin.

Ain't No Other Brother Cooking These Delicacies

suave parisian seeks naive american girl - 36 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2004-12-10, 3:45PM EST

Eventually, you get tired of trips around the globe, Upper East Side penthouses and expensive suits. I hail from France, and if anyone can get tired of having a willing Columbian model for a wife, it is I. My life bores me immensely, and purchasing a new car in the vulgar American fashion will do nothing for me; I have more automobiles than most men have underwear.

This is where you come in. I am seeking a young, impressionable girl, preferably hailing from the backwoods of this god-forsaken country, to become my mistress. I will provide you with a tasteful, well-appointed apartment at least 15 blocks from my own. I will take you to restaurants where you will have difficulty even pronouncing the appetizers properly and, every month, will whisk you away to some exotic location, where we will dine on expensive local delicacies and fall asleep to the sounds of the ocean. I will purchase expensive gifts for you, like handbags crafted from alligator skin and dresses crafted by the greatest designers in the world.

Of course, I expect you to accomodate me in every conceivable way. You must never question my judgment, and I will become extremely angry if you mention marriage. I love my wife and have no intention of leaving her. Also, keep in mind that I may become bored with you. Should this occur, be advised that I will have one of my many rich associates find you a synecure somewhere. I am a monster, but hardly heartless.

(When responding, be sure to include measurements, a picture and your sexual history. This will greatly simplify the selection process for me.)

Total Number of Replies: 6
Number of Serious Replies: 6
Cream of the Crop:

Apparently, girls are not proponents of the "cluster bomb" approach to Craigslist. Nevertheless, the simple fact that EVERY LAST RESPONSE was serious makes this, in my mind, a resounding success. At least I now know that, ten years from now, when I am rich and bored, there will be young, nubile women willing to degrade themselves for the opportunity to be my mistress. Or, as Toh says, "There are a lot of prostitutes out there."

interesting.
i will send you a picture from home tonight..
would love to meet for lunch tomorrow.
Me too. I assume you want me to pay?

thought your post was 'interesting'..
i'm an ex-model.. quit two years ago. never had the personality for it.
Some would argue you never had a personality.

i read your post.
i am new to this site, but i think you are the only man (on this site any
way) who could handle me.
it would be a mistake for us not to meet.
Handle you? If by "handle" you mean pay your bills, you're probably wrong.

I am a 20 year old American girl, currently living in Manhattan. En plus, je suis etudiante de francais. I loved your posting, and couldn't resist replying. I am 5'7", 117 lbs, athletic ( l like dance and yoga). Here are some pictures of me...hope to hear from you!
You are beautiful. Unfortunately, I am actually a college student living in Chicago with virtually no income. However, I am really French! Or half-French, but don't let that stop you.

So, when I read the craigslist posting I wonder if
this is someone's real life or a mockery for truly and
completely naive american girls. How many people fall
for this? If it is true thought, how many people dont
take it seriously and pass up this offer?
Apparently, no one. Everyone knows the French do things like this.

Please be advised that marriage would not interest me, especially in a strictly business relationship.
Yes, that's what I usually tell my clients.

And the real winner:
HI
um...literally, I've never done this before, but I figured, life is about taking chances and leaping into the unknown cuz that’s what makes life memorable and spontaneous and even friends were once strangers.
So about me.....
Very happy, hyper and positive....artistic and fashionable... I enjoy going to Museums, galleries, plays, movies, dining out...
My hobbies are learning how to play the piano, running (track and field) used to hehe..., cooking, drawing (fashion and japanese anime), dancing, learning foreign languages, designing web pages, reading (AI, string theory, nanotechnology, virtual reality , CG ppl...basically tech related )
I have a wide interest in music varying from diff genres, my ultimate favorite is Beethoven, then Tchaikovsky, chopin, Liszt, the beatles, Yanni, Edith Piaf, Jacques Brel, Julio Iglesias, enrico macias, Idir and Leon (Chinese singer), Russian music, …etc , but I'm mostly into classics.
I love travelling, I've been to London, Paris, Canada, Morrocco, Tunisia and lived in Algeria, so I have a good perspective on the world.
Don’t watch much tv except for cartoon network (adult swim), friends, will and grace, Bill Moyers and ofcourse Desprate housewives lol...I'm more into watching foreign movies, such as Amelie, All about my mother, cinema paradiso, merci pour le chocolat, sex and lucia, the piano teacher or classics anything with Audrey Hepburn
I speak Algerian, French, and Arabic and learning Russian and Spanish …gave up on Chinese... lol
I'm 22 yrs old ,5'6 and slim
I'm a student graduating next semester with an applied mathematics and stats degree....I'm sure there are other stuff that I just forgot to mention
I enjoy long walks by the beach and snow cones. I speak two languages, but I have trouble writing this English thing. Thanks for the pictures.

Me, In 15 Years

Tick...tick...tick - 33
Date: 2004-10-18, 3:35PM EDT

You know what that sound is? It's my biological clock ticking a slow, sure, inexorable march toward a lonely, mothball-scented decrepitude with a herd of mewling cats and an overgrown jungle of a front-yard. My lush, carefree, teenage years are over. My sparkling, glamorous twenties are over. I have only a few years of elasticity left in my skin before I begin to shrivel and wilt like a prune. In a few months, the sparkle in my eye will be gone, replaced by the dull sheen of infirmity. My limbs will become brittle, like old twigs.

Mes amis, I am getting old. I need a man. My years of drunken one-night fumbles are over. I'm sick of coming home to my chic, pristine, exquisitely furnished Dupont Circle apartment, kicking off my stilettoes, mixing myself a drink before calling up my friends for a night out in Adams Morgan. No, these days I long for a cramped and cluttered semi-detached in Maryland, with crayon scrawls on the walls, an explosion of gaudy plastic toys and Jello pudding splattered around the family room. Seriously. Nothing scares me more than being a cat-lady one day.

So basically I'm looking for a decent, upstanding man with good genes and a comfortable income who's willing to commit to a long-lasting relationship and to fertilize my moribund ova before it's too late.

P.S. I want tall kids.

Total Number of Replies: 34
Number of Serious Replies: 27
Cream of the Crop:

This one didn't have very good responses. I think it may have been too plausible. Also, possibly, because its demographic was slightly older than what I usually work with and was, ergo, less ridiculous. There were some exceptions though.

"I have done my time seeing what's outthere, and farming (aka sewing wild oats) now bores me."
You know what they say: "a stitch in time saves nine"...oh wait, that doesn't work.

"clean d&d free. I consider myself a thick brother that looks good and not sloppy. I keep myself looking clean at all times unless I’m working on my car or something like that. But I have clean nails and work in a professional environment so I have to look presentable at all times. "
But are you clean?

"mobilesperm included......"

"Hi Honey, How are you?...I love women who is very kind and romantic, hot and lovely...If you are same persom, Please let me know? Thanks baby"
Hot AND lovely? I'm not sure I can live up to those kind of expectations.

"i've been a sperm donor and have a count of 5 (out of 5) socan easily impregnate you pretty quickly.let me know when you want the kids to squire out!"

"I'll fertilize you, but after that it's ova."
Oh God. How long did it take you to come up with that one?

"Oh.. gosh... I can't imagine a more delightful life than to be your sperm donor, and meal ticket."
There are few things worse than the flagrant abuse of ellipses and the bastardization of sarcasm.