CraigsList Love

And This Porridge Was Just Right

2006-06-01T06:25:00.000-05:00

Nice and cute - 24
Date: 2006-05-31, 9:28PM EDT

Hi. I am cute and nice. I'm looking for someone who is also cute, nice and who likes to have fun. In my free time, I like to have fun. It's important to me that you do not like not having fun. I like to do different types of things. I like all kinds of music and I also like to watch movies. I have many vague interests but do not feel particularly strongly about anything because I kind of like everything. You are okay. I am okay. Life is okay. Everything is okay.

If you also like doing things, email me and maybe we can be bland and tepid together.

Total Number of Replies: 32
Number of Serious Replies: 29
Cream of the Crop:

"I just saw your post and throught it was very sincere and sweet."

"Hi! we'd be very nice and cute together . You seem great and a girl i'd get along with. I like doing things and looking for someone to do them with."
Everyone would get along with a girl like this. There can be no points of conflict because everything is okay.

"i like doing things too, not any thing specific but anything. im work most of the time but on my free time all my friend work, so i do nothing , so if you want to do something well you know."

" nice and cute are my 2 favorite qualities, it's just like me"

" hope you are enjoying your evening! Just wanted to say hi :) I like your attitude, very positive!!"
My evening's been okay.

"That was very original. Cute, short and simple."
...original?!?!?

"mediocrity is so hot!"

"i like stuff, stuff is cool."

"tepidness sounds pretty comforting and solid...i'd like to at least have a tepid friend i might talk to!"
But, why?

"shut the fuck up bitch"

"i like most things and i like to have fun too!"
OMG, we're like a PERFECT match!!!!

"I have been asking myself this question for years " do i really like to do things" and finally the questiuon has been answered.......yes.

I also like to have fun, and lots of it. Some other things I enjoy are things that are good. For instance: good movies, I love good movies. I also really like good food, Good food is awesome, especially when you eat it. Now these things are all great (movies, food, fun, doing things) but the only thing that can make them better is doing them with someone else, especially someone who also enjoys doing them."

Dost My Deadly White Face Terrify You O' Nights?

2006-03-06T18:10:00.000-05:00

Where is my dark prince? - 21
Date: 2006-03-06, 6:09PM EST

I am Salome Kei, an earthbound angel searching for one with whom I can explore the fantasies of this twilight world and celebrate the decadence of this crumbling hell-bound civilization. Together, we shall prowl the crepuscular megalopolitan streets, studying the shallow hollow-eyed consumerism that saturates the withered lives of our human brethren. We shall probe the innermost angles of our skeletal frames, bathed in the ethereal silver light of the White Goddess, discovering each other like wide-eyed children, drinking in each other’s beauty and revelling in the icy aloofness of Peter Murphy’s voice. Crimson, white and black shall be our nights, heated by love and sanguine wine, dark-eyed against, shadows, on white skin. No fatties.

Total Number of Replies: 14
Number of Serious Replies: 11
Cream of the Crop:
So so so many of these were from people who responded to the trust-fund post as well. Their scatter-bomb approach to love may be why these people are looking for romance on Craigslist.

" No 21 y/o girl would write like this. You are obviously a gay guy. Get a life or at least a
better hobbie."
Because gay guys always do things like this.

"Pirate Queen to my Pirate King...Jewish/buddhist...Joker, smoker, midnight toker. Cried for Kong in the movie...In previous years I have owned a candle business and a statuary business which produced gargoyles mostly. I have a patent in moldmaking for candles....I was married in Vermont when I was very young.She is 13 years older than I am, so I guess you could say that I was cradlerobbed."

"your post seems highly quotative...like anime beingtransposed into a form not conducive."
Anime is shit.

"Yea to thee, O Angel Fallen - for it takes a divine will to stare into the engulfing nihil predicted by so many. I spend my days gazing upon the Platonic realm with naught but the occasional foray into the misery of common existence.

And yet the lure of decadence wafts through my nose even as I am looking upon pure form. The slightest interruption of my meditation is a crevasse through which the unspeakable horrors traverse. I have long dreamed of immersion, of abandonment, of embrace. My bony posture is more suited for darkness, as a glanceat my lack of physical substance might leave theviewer to suspect that I exist partially in some other realm.

I implore thee, O Angel, to consider taking me as your partner in this sojourn into darkness."

Those who didn't quite understand the "dark prince" reference:

"here is the dark skin guy. if u interested to dark skin let me know"

"Holla at me sexy from Harlem 5'5 sexy shorty"
Shorty fo' real - 5'5" yo? I'm fucking Asian and I'm taller than that.

Seems Like An Excellent Plan to Me

2006-02-03T21:03:00.000-05:00

Rich? Elitist? THANK GOD! - 22
Date: 2006-02-03, 8:10PM EST

As graduation looms ahead, I begin to realize that the last thing I want to do is to get a job. Employment is so very pedestrian. I could would be quite happy living on my parents' dime. They, however, would not.

So here's my plan: I want a wastrel with a trust fund. I am looking for someone to squander my college degree on and to fritter away my life with. Someone whom I can eventually marry in a sumptuous but tasteful ceremony in his family's Napa Valley mansion, and then divorce several months later, taking approximately half of his assets in a media feeding frenzy.

I would like to swan around cosmopolitan Mediterranean cities in a blithe and shiny-haired manner. The world has many al fresco cafes, in which I would like to sit (luxuriating in a nicotine-, caffeine- and sunshine-induced haze) while staring moodily at passerbys hurrying toward their cripplingly dull vocations. I wouldn't be sitting by myself, of course. My trustfunder would be by my side. Someone has to pay for my cafe au lait.

"A lot to ask," you may comment, snorting at my audacity. However, my credentials are more than adequate for the position. I smile often and speak seldom. I have shiny hair and a clear complexion. I look good in enormous sunglasses and odd fashion trends. Furthermore, I understand enough about computers to conceal and password protect any incriminating photographs or videos.

And finally, I am better looking than Paris Hilton.

What more do you need?

Total Number of Replies: 20
Number of Serious Replies: 16
Cream of the Crop:

"May I have the honor of a dance in this cybermasquerade ball?"

"you need to get real"

"How are you? I'm not exactly a trust fund kid."
Then why are you responding?

"ain't that some shit. as you say you're one of those hotty hot hot princesses...i see that your calculation (MC^2= Paris Hilton) is dangerous but fucking brilliant. so i toast, cheers to you mate. what other interests do you have besides looking conspicuous? "

"We should talk about this, are you really seriousabout marrying a trust-fund baby?"

"Just this once I'll whisk you away from your tragically boring existence, marry you, and divorce you in quick succession. Then leave me alone forever, for I won't want to be bothered."

The perfect match(es):
"I've always been looking for my equal, a female with whom I could laugh at the peasants while they refresh my morning highball glass. Perhaps we could discuss the importance of saving the environment while jetting around the world on my fuel-gobbling learjet?

The real question is whether you know how to properly discipline the hired help. There is nothing worse than a maid who cannot properly prepare a bed. I sure hope you have the cutting and terse vocalizations needed to whip such a young illegal immigrant girl into shape?"

"Dear future arm-candy,

I am a wealthy, self-centered, young socialite. I own my family’s business and delegate my duties to corporate managers. This allows me lots of time to drive in my many cars, drink my many wines, and fly my private helicopter from my penthouse apartment in NYC to my beach houses in the Hamptons and Martha’s Vineyard. I maintain an account at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, and have a permanently reserved table at Daniel. Of course, it goes without saying that I love clubbing. And I can’t afford to be seen, in my circles, with anyone less than stunningly attractive. I expect you to be at least as attractive as you claim to be, if not more so. Naturally, I turn to Craigslist to find the cream of the city’s female crop.

I was impressed with what you wrote. You seem to know about shopping and style and you claim to know sexiness as a second language. I’m glad you insist on maintaining your beauty as a career. This will keep me from having to remind you to get facials or waxes. Tell me, what is your position on high heeled shoes (for me, wearing would be a necessity for you) and thong panties (if they must be worn, they must be thong). Additionally, what are your sexual interests? The woman I select for the prestigious postion of “girl-standing-next-to-me” will have to be very… open minded. I attend plenty of underground clubs, and don’t want to have to put up with prudish behaviour.

Please send several photos of yourself from several different angles in various stages of dress. Nudes, gowns, bikinis, suits, jeans. And some recent medical history. I want to know what I’m getting into, no pun intended. Photos of me, of course, are irrelevant.

Time is short. I leave for Tahiti soon."

The very, very best response I have ever received:
"Dearest Lady !

I admire Paris Hilton so much because she is very beautiful and special sexy !

If you are only half so beautiful I like to spend much money on you.

Please send with your answer 4 or 5 photos (not only 1)

big embrase !"

Fly Free, Wingwoman

2004-12-15T02:34:00.000-05:00

Does this sound familiar? - 24
Date: 2004-12-15, 12:10AM EST

The murmur of conversation dips as you walk into the minimalist space and scan the very subdued, very stylish crowd. It's a veritable sea of sleek, chic women with glossy hair, glossy lips, and glossy nails. They're all eyeing you approvingly, estimating just how well you'd fit into their tastefully furnished apartments, how you'd fit under their 300-thread count combed-cotton percale bedsheets and how you'd fit between their tanned, WSC-toned thighs. You, of course, would fit perfectly in all three. You're a fantasy: tall and broad-shouldered, with a penetrating gaze, endearingly messy hair, an easy smile, chiselled jawline, and a ripped body underneath your tailored Italian clothes.

You walk past the lot of them and take a seat at the bar. The gorgeous bartender tries to flirt, but your reply is cool and aloof. You're looking for something more. You order your drink and scan the room. One woman catches your eye. She's sipping a classic martini and gazing off into space, with a slightly weary expression in her grey eyes, a slight smirk playing on her full lips as another shiny yuppie couple sashays by. She's fair, with the porcelain complexion of a Renaissance portrait, short black hair grazing her cheekbones. Your breath catches as she crosses her long, slender legs in front of her. Is it possible? A fantasy woman for a fantasy man?

Yes, it's possible. But I'm over here, her short, plump and much less attractive friend--the girl you would usually assign to your wingman. Hi. What was my name again? You don't remember. That's ok. Welcome to Craigslist, the special hell assigned to lame sidekicks.

If you, somehow, are the kind of guy who would usually go for the, you know, hot one, but are curious about what the wingwomen are like, drop me a line. I'll enlighten you. I'm sick of wingmen, for now.

Total Number of Replies: 26 (2 from the same people that responded to the previous ad, 1 guy who sent the same email twice)
Number of Serious Replies: 24
Cream of the Crop:

"What a great post lets talk. I know its short but hey you did all the writing ;-) "
I'd say this bodes for a rather dysfunctional relationship.

"Hello fellow wingperson"

"Hi I do not get to the clubs that often but I like plump women. I would like to chat with you."
I have a fun game to play. It's called "Find the Non Sequitur."

"call me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx...just sack up and call; what’s the worst that could happen..."
They find my body in the Potomac tomorrow.

"And there is nothing more attractive and sexy than being real."
No. There is.

"I also have a bunch of NO’S……….no kids, no substance dependencies, no criminal record, no tattoos, no baby mamma’s, no crazy ex’s, no unhealthy habits."

"Now you're telling me that there are aflock of wing women hovering around out there to take one for the team too!"
Flock!

"Naughty but charming four wheeling, successful, poker playing, resourceful, craps shooting, funny, fast driving, intelligent, sometimes over indulgent, sensuous, feeling over sexed, articulate and happy go lucky white male...Years in the oil patch taught me to love cowboy life, and I still often wear the boots. Now I find Christian faith instead of my former narcissistic ways guides me through life’s upsand downs. I did quit drinking and drugging long ago – but that doesn’t stopm e from enjoying a party, nightlife or life for that matter. In fact it makes me a great-designated driver!"

"I'm an experienced Dom of 8 years who hasalso explored his sub side---life's about trying things."
Life's about trying things like Ethiopian cuisine, and bungee jumping. Not getting tied up in a leather sack, beaten with a truncheon and masturbated on.

"What I feel the most is beauty is what u have inside u and if a personfails to recognize it in u he is not worth it."
Here's the deal. The guys who recognize my inner beauty tend not to have any outer beauty. And I like outer beauty.

"Very clever ad! But did it occur to you that you are treating the hypothetical "wingman" with the same disdain that you yourself so resent?"
This guy also responded to the previous posting ("I really hope your tongue was firmly in your cheek when you wrote that...."). Smartass.

Honesty is the Best Policy (So They Say)

2004-12-14T13:44:00.000-05:00

Not asking for much - 27
Date: 2004-12-13, 9:15PM EST

YOU: A suave and sophisticated Adonis with dark hair and green eyes, olive skin and an exquisite bone structure. Must be tall, lean and toned with endless stamina (both sexual and intellectual), sparkling wit, flawless logic, a doctorate degree and an impeccable sense of dress. Some sort of accent is essential--I love men with poor pronunciation. Must take charge without being domineering, and while maintaining a heart of pure, molten gold. Likes kittens and dark chocolate. Well-travelled is a plus, as is a healthy interest in sports as recreation, but with a preference for intelligent fireside conversation over fine French wine and amuse-bouches.

ME: None of the above but with an exaggerated sense of entitlement. I may not be beautiful, smart or witty but, by virtue of my existence, I damn well deserve someone who is.

Total Number of Replies: 22
Number of Serious Replies: 18
Cream of the Crop:

No matter how specific your requirements are, you still only get ball-park estimates. Sometimes they're not even ball-park estimates, sometimes they're so far out of the ball-park that they're in fucking Ukraine, where they don't play baseball and instead spend their time on foreign, un-American exploits like rigging elections and demanding recounts.

"Would you settle for a smart-ass, charming, intelligent, middle traveled, and healthy guy. One who played in the mud for 8 years as a Marine, then decided to be a geek and build computer networks for the government. "
No.

"One who is not crazy about cats, but somehow got suckered into taking one home found in southeast due to its visible ribs and pathetic meow. One who has lost his Bostonian accent but could probably produce one on demand (well as least request)."
Bostonian accent? Um, yeah. Sexy.

"One who does not have a doctorate, but is really bright anyways. One who can be strong without being controlling. One who owns a suit but would much rather wear jeans and sneakers. One who exercises regularly (read joined softball league, managed to somehow get injured 3 times, two that require trips to the hospital, and still stuck with it) and runs twice a week. One with light brown hair (all there) and sometimes green/sometimes blue/sometimes grey eyes. One who can actually make an edible meal (though not too many). One who has found the best ice cream on the planet (has dark chocolate in it)."
One who found an opportunity to brag and went for gold.

"One who (and this is the one that should push me over the edge) will actually 1) admit that he is not sure how to get somewhere and 2) actually stop and ASK for directions! Yes that’s right, you read correctly, ASK for directions!"
I don't know why men act like it's such a big deal when actually they ask for directions. Listen, if you want to drive around in circles for hours because you're too proud to ask someone who lives in the neighborhood, go right ahead.

"Act now because this kind of opportunity does not come by often."
It comes by every time I refresh the m4w page on Craigslist.

"And don’t worry; we’ll get that exaggerated sense of self entitlement fixed quickly."
Because you'll make me feel small and worthless?

"Oh, and we will work on your spelling too!"
Oh, fuck you (I mispelled "existence" as "existance" in the first ad). You're the one responding to an obviously fake Craigslist ad. Twat.

"yes, dark hair and blue/green eyes. adonis i don't know though myprofile resembles those on greek coins...not so much bone structure -- maybe if i ate less. like to talk and ideas so plenty of intellect pseudo or otherwise..."

"I really hope your tongue was firmly in your cheek when you wrote that....I think you read one too many male ads and got severely annoyed."
Not annoyed. Never annoyed. Merely...jaded.

"While I may be agauche, ugly and out of wits, I I can still hold interest of mostdemading people."

"wow.. is there anything else that you like? i hold my own very well, but your xmas wish list sets me back a bit."
No. You can be a paranoid schizophrenic as long as you can fulfil all the other attributes. I'm Wiccan.

"I like your add and what you want so let's give it a try. I am 31. Originally from Europe, have a law degree there and a telecommunication company here. I'm 5'7. Like swimming and diving. Good dancer (partenership dancing "70-'80 and modern music). Never married, no children."

"I’ve got at least 17 out of 23, depending on how you’re counting. I think that deserves a picture, especially since I’m attaching a half-picture of myself"
The half of his face he showed was good looking. I bet he has an enormous hairy mole on his chin. Or no mouth.

"IF ONLY I DIDN'T LOSE MY ACCENT. DAMN"

"I have a Ph.D in Economics, love sports, and intelligent conversation. I have an olive complexion, dress well, and I have endless sexual and intellectual stamina. My parents were born and raised in Greece, so an accent is part of the family. I love kittens and I am a very kind and considerate person. "
Not so much the Adonis part, though.

"At least your honest, good luck with it, if you feel like mingling with the Masters educated riff raff drop me a line"
"YOU'RE," GOD DAMN IT!

"Lady:
You are asking for double standards. Not that it would be unconscionable,or anything, but that's what we see a lot: bloated women asking for the sky. Well, that's where your pie will remain.
No sympathy."
Double standards? What tipped you off?

"Hi,You're probably a very nice person and your writing style is entertaining. I hate to break it to you, but, your ad comes off as "asking for everything."Most guys on CL are just average (even the ones who think they are god's gift)"
I wouldn't exactly describe Craigslist guys as average ("You must be into backdoor sex and all that goes with it," "You should like to be spanked,told how to dress and and more...and if you're good, you should expect even more")

"P.S: Do not be intimidated by the muscles. I used to be in professional bodybuilding."
He looks like a barge covered in shiny skin.

Ain't No Other Brother Cooking These Delicacies

2004-12-10T15:43:00.000-05:00

suave parisian seeks naive american girl - 36 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2004-12-10, 3:45PM EST

Eventually, you get tired of trips around the globe, Upper East Side penthouses and expensive suits. I hail from France, and if anyone can get tired of having a willing Columbian model for a wife, it is I. My life bores me immensely, and purchasing a new car in the vulgar American fashion will do nothing for me; I have more automobiles than most men have underwear.

This is where you come in. I am seeking a young, impressionable girl, preferably hailing from the backwoods of this god-forsaken country, to become my mistress. I will provide you with a tasteful, well-appointed apartment at least 15 blocks from my own. I will take you to restaurants where you will have difficulty even pronouncing the appetizers properly and, every month, will whisk you away to some exotic location, where we will dine on expensive local delicacies and fall asleep to the sounds of the ocean. I will purchase expensive gifts for you, like handbags crafted from alligator skin and dresses crafted by the greatest designers in the world.

Of course, I expect you to accomodate me in every conceivable way. You must never question my judgment, and I will become extremely angry if you mention marriage. I love my wife and have no intention of leaving her. Also, keep in mind that I may become bored with you. Should this occur, be advised that I will have one of my many rich associates find you a synecure somewhere. I am a monster, but hardly heartless.

(When responding, be sure to include measurements, a picture and your sexual history. This will greatly simplify the selection process for me.)

Total Number of Replies: 6
Number of Serious Replies: 6
Cream of the Crop:

Apparently, girls are not proponents of the "cluster bomb" approach to Craigslist. Nevertheless, the simple fact that EVERY LAST RESPONSE was serious makes this, in my mind, a resounding success. At least I now know that, ten years from now, when I am rich and bored, there will be young, nubile women willing to degrade themselves for the opportunity to be my mistress. Or, as Toh says, "There are a lot of prostitutes out there."

interesting.
i will send you a picture from home tonight..
would love to meet for lunch tomorrow.
Me too. I assume you want me to pay?

thought your post was 'interesting'..
i'm an ex-model.. quit two years ago. never had the personality for it.
Some would argue you never had a personality.

i read your post.
i am new to this site, but i think you are the only man (on this site any
way) who could handle me.
it would be a mistake for us not to meet.
Handle you? If by "handle" you mean pay your bills, you're probably wrong.

I am a 20 year old American girl, currently living in Manhattan. En plus, je suis etudiante de francais. I loved your posting, and couldn't resist replying. I am 5'7", 117 lbs, athletic ( l like dance and yoga). Here are some pictures of me...hope to hear from you!
You are beautiful. Unfortunately, I am actually a college student living in Chicago with virtually no income. However, I am really French! Or half-French, but don't let that stop you.

So, when I read the craigslist posting I wonder if
this is someone's real life or a mockery for truly and
completely naive american girls. How many people fall
for this? If it is true thought, how many people dont
take it seriously and pass up this offer?
Apparently, no one. Everyone knows the French do things like this.

Please be advised that marriage would not interest me, especially in a strictly business relationship.
Yes, that's what I usually tell my clients.

And the real winner:
HI
um...literally, I've never done this before, but I figured, life is about taking chances and leaping into the unknown cuz that’s what makes life memorable and spontaneous and even friends were once strangers.
So about me.....
Very happy, hyper and positive....artistic and fashionable... I enjoy going to Museums, galleries, plays, movies, dining out...
My hobbies are learning how to play the piano, running (track and field) used to hehe..., cooking, drawing (fashion and japanese anime), dancing, learning foreign languages, designing web pages, reading (AI, string theory, nanotechnology, virtual reality , CG ppl...basically tech related )
I have a wide interest in music varying from diff genres, my ultimate favorite is Beethoven, then Tchaikovsky, chopin, Liszt, the beatles, Yanni, Edith Piaf, Jacques Brel, Julio Iglesias, enrico macias, Idir and Leon (Chinese singer), Russian music, …etc , but I'm mostly into classics.
I love travelling, I've been to London, Paris, Canada, Morrocco, Tunisia and lived in Algeria, so I have a good perspective on the world.
Don’t watch much tv except for cartoon network (adult swim), friends, will and grace, Bill Moyers and ofcourse Desprate housewives lol...I'm more into watching foreign movies, such as Amelie, All about my mother, cinema paradiso, merci pour le chocolat, sex and lucia, the piano teacher or classics anything with Audrey Hepburn
I speak Algerian, French, and Arabic and learning Russian and Spanish …gave up on Chinese... lol
I'm 22 yrs old ,5'6 and slim
I'm a student graduating next semester with an applied mathematics and stats degree....I'm sure there are other stuff that I just forgot to mention
I enjoy long walks by the beach and snow cones. I speak two languages, but I have trouble writing this English thing. Thanks for the pictures.

Me, In 15 Years

2004-10-18T20:27:00.000-05:00

Tick...tick...tick - 33
Date: 2004-10-18, 3:35PM EDT

You know what that sound is? It's my biological clock ticking a slow, sure, inexorable march toward a lonely, mothball-scented decrepitude with a herd of mewling cats and an overgrown jungle of a front-yard. My lush, carefree, teenage years are over. My sparkling, glamorous twenties are over. I have only a few years of elasticity left in my skin before I begin to shrivel and wilt like a prune. In a few months, the sparkle in my eye will be gone, replaced by the dull sheen of infirmity. My limbs will become brittle, like old twigs.

Mes amis, I am getting old. I need a man. My years of drunken one-night fumbles are over. I'm sick of coming home to my chic, pristine, exquisitely furnished Dupont Circle apartment, kicking off my stilettoes, mixing myself a drink before calling up my friends for a night out in Adams Morgan. No, these days I long for a cramped and cluttered semi-detached in Maryland, with crayon scrawls on the walls, an explosion of gaudy plastic toys and Jello pudding splattered around the family room. Seriously. Nothing scares me more than being a cat-lady one day.

So basically I'm looking for a decent, upstanding man with good genes and a comfortable income who's willing to commit to a long-lasting relationship and to fertilize my moribund ova before it's too late.

P.S. I want tall kids.

Total Number of Replies: 34
Number of Serious Replies: 27
Cream of the Crop:

This one didn't have very good responses. I think it may have been too plausible. Also, possibly, because its demographic was slightly older than what I usually work with and was, ergo, less ridiculous. There were some exceptions though.

"I have done my time seeing what's outthere, and farming (aka sewing wild oats) now bores me."
You know what they say: "a stitch in time saves nine"...oh wait, that doesn't work.

"clean d&d free. I consider myself a thick brother that looks good and not sloppy. I keep myself looking clean at all times unless I’m working on my car or something like that. But I have clean nails and work in a professional environment so I have to look presentable at all times. "
But are you clean?

"mobilesperm included......"

"Hi Honey, How are you?...I love women who is very kind and romantic, hot and lovely...If you are same persom, Please let me know? Thanks baby"
Hot AND lovely? I'm not sure I can live up to those kind of expectations.

"i've been a sperm donor and have a count of 5 (out of 5) socan easily impregnate you pretty quickly.let me know when you want the kids to squire out!"

"I'll fertilize you, but after that it's ova."
Oh God. How long did it take you to come up with that one?

"Oh.. gosh... I can't imagine a more delightful life than to be your sperm donor, and meal ticket."
There are few things worse than the flagrant abuse of ellipses and the bastardization of sarcasm.

So Many Doormats

2004-09-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

Just your normal, everyday girl - 22
Date: 2004-09-20, 11:12PM EDT

I'm emotionally needy, clingy and indecisive. I don't know what I want, whom I want or what I'm looking for. I claim I want a nice, clean and well-dressed guy, but submissive pushovers irritate me, metrosexuals seem fruity, yuppies are annoying, frat-boys are dumb and testosterone-heavy muscle-men disgust me.

I claim I want somebody to love me unconditionally, but recoil from committment, and then accuse you of being noncommittal. Then I'll cry and make you feel bad.

No matter what you do, it won't satisfy me. If you take me to a nice restaurant, I will complain about being tired. If you don't take me to a nice restaurant, I will complain about you being a stingy bastard.

I also say that you should just treat me like one of the guys, but if you do, I get upset. I insist that you treat me like an equal, but get pissy if you don't open doors for me. I'll make you come shopping with me and watch me try on several different outfits in every store in the mall.

I will tell all my high-pitched and loquacious friends about how the size of your penis and what your favorite sexual position is. My friends will come over for girls'-night-in all the time, but if you go for a boys-night-out, I will get jealous. I will also be jealous of all your female friends and be incredibly bitchy to them whenever they come over. But I will flirt with all your closest friends.

I will fill your fridge with health-food, and won't let you eat your favorite snacks. I'll criticize your laziness and drag you out running with me. When we come back, I'll make you watch "The Golden Girls" and Food Network (but not Iron Chef).

Oh, and I'll also expect you to remember our one-week anniversary, our one-month anniversary, our quarter-year anniversary, half-year anniversary and, of course, one-year anniversary. If you forget any of these, I'll fly into a grim and hostile mood for weeks, until you apologize profusely and buy me something pretty.

But hey, at least I'm cute, right?

Total Number of Replies: 48
Number of Serious Replies: A fucking lot.
Cream of the Crop:

"I bet you prefer it in the butt."

"let's get ready for a fun-filled rollercoaster ride!"

"YOU'RE EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR! A BITCH"

"Hey ma. What r your visual details? hair calor, skin color, measurements,etc "
Hey pa. My visual details are as follows: constructed in the school of Paul Rubens, and the face of a Picasso, circa his analytic cubism period. My head is shaped like a block.

"Hunnie for a 22yr old u sure sound like my aunt Janice."

"Ok with all the things you said in your ad you're lucky that anyone could stand to be around you"

"I am a nice-clean well dressed guy who would love to be dragged out to one of your shopping escapades. Golden girls and the food network is a no go but everything else you mentioned sounds great. I would love it if you got grim and in a hostile mood for weeks until I apologize! Let me know if you're interested!!"

"you sound too good to be true. but how do i know you are cute?"
You're looking for love on Craigslist, and you're concerned about cute?

"I betyou would get a bigger kick (and smile) from a guy whoremembers your time of the month and premptively bakes you chocolate brownies and gives you foot massageswhen the time comes"
No. We just SAY we want that. We really want a golden and toned Adonis who will go until the break of, break of dawn."

"My penis and I are great friends. Inseparable really, but I digress. "

"before I go ahead and subject myself to the torture that is you.."

And then the Bitter, Jaded Ones:
"Hi, we've dated and I became a jerk all of a sudden so that you would dumpme and I could be a martyr instead owning up to the fact I wanted you out of my life.
I told you that I'm a straight shooter but until we really started dating I was still asking other women out.
Sometimes when we had emotional moments I actually tried to cry, thinking oflost pets or other sad moments to impress you with my deeper feelings.
Often when I "need to be alone" I mean, I need to be away from you.
I don't leave you because I'm addicted to the sex, but as that fades I start to resent you and not myself.
I blame you for everything but pretend like your a sweet princess
Of course I look at other women, I just figure the ones I would leave you for would sniff you off of me at 50 paces.
I don't find your family highly amusing and your sense of humor is rather mundane.
:)
Nice to hear you're doing well"

"You sound just like my ex "

"I am sure I know you or have dated you."

"You just described every girl i have ever known back home."

"You sound kind of like a girl I dated for 5 years. It didn’t’ work out…"
Can't imagine why.

"Maybe I am just twisted because alot of those traits are not what I want in someone but a necessary evil."

And the real sweethearts:
"but see, i won't put up with your shit. You must be dating 22 year old wussy guys?...i will call you out when you are a brat. I will tease you and make fun of your insecurities. I will be physically playful but will bust your balls (not literally). And when i do this...(drumroll)....you are going to totally be into me. But i won't give in. I won't take you to nice restaurants, i will have you buy me dinner! I won't watch Golden Girls, i will MAKE you watch what i want to watch. And i won't apologize, EVER. "

And the nostalgic ones:
"in all honesty i kind of miss the drama of relationships a little bit"

"Havent really meet a lot of girls that I can get along with or stand after a while no matter how hot they are. I really want to move back down to the south. "

And the one that make me realize why I'm still single:
"you made twinge...but in the end I stillwanted to sleep with you?"

Jerry Hall Does It Better

2004-08-22T00:48:00.000-05:00

Husband Needed - 41
Glamorous, busy corporate empress seeking low-maintenance husband. Am very busy, so will not be able to pay much attention to aforementioned. Will cover all necessary lifestyle costs. Have 2 young children: Mackenzie and Cameron. Nanny takes care of them. Have 2 Shih Tzus: Bella and Lucy. Maid takes care of them.

41 years old, but look early thirties. Blonde shoulder-length hair, brown eyes. Well-groomed, well-dressed, educated, slim and toned. You should be too. Have been described by Fortune Magazine as assiduous, serious, coldly attractive and ambitious.

However, am very wealthy and will support your lifestyle. Have own apartment on UES. You will have to move in, have just finished decorating. Don't care if you have adulterous relationship as long as you are discreet and don't bring in any diseases. No time for sex anyway. No time for anything except occasional getaways to house in Southampton or Malibu just to keep children happy.

Schedule packed, so requirements are strict because I don't have time to train new husband, as ex will tell you:

Young, but not a boy-toy
Good looking without detracting from myself
Charming
Educated (at least Bachelor's degree from accredited institution)
Well-spoken
Wear tuxedo/suit well
Familiar with basic etiquette (how to hold glass/snifter, dessert spoons vs. soup spoons, etc.) Discreet
Have reputable day-job or at least hold position in company (don't care whether through nepotism)
Knowledge of sailing, lacrosse, squash, golf
Patient with children and dogs
Well-dressed
Knowledge of politics, business, wine and Nantucket

Optional but welcome:
Tasteful sense of humor
Well-traveled
Knowledge of polo
Master's degree, MBA or PhD
Play musical instrument

Send response to above address with photograph. Must meet before marriage. Must be willing to sign pre-nup.

Total Number of Replies: 16
Number of Serious Replies: I can't be bothered to count.
Cream of the Crop:

"you are a guys worst nightmare, you are disgusting, vapid and devoid of asll human qualities. you should do the world a favor and just kill yourself "

"i rather jerk off in a cup than be with a woman like you. and you're advertising on cl. you low life...lol lol lol lol "
Some people make a living that way.

"I can be your lover until you find your husband I am discrete"

"understand the position and is ready for the this let me know what I have too do"
Your mission, should you choose to accept it....

"you should be embarassed of yourself. read a self help book"

I'll Have a B and T Sandwich Please

2004-08-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

Princess for Frog - 20
(Had to be taken down after 11 hours. It was clogging my mailbox)

I’m one of those fabled college co-eds that you see in porn all the time: blonde, brown-eyed, toned and perky. I’m also wealthy, privileged and well-traveled. I played Varsity field-hockey at my select boarding school (alumni/ae include many noted Republicans) and I sail. Right now, I go to a “new” Ivy League school, but only because I got rejected from Yale despite my double legacy.

During the summer, I either live in New Jersey and commute to the city where I intern at a brand-name firm in the financial district, or I spend long days sunning myself in the Hamptons with my best friend Bunny. On the weekends, you can usually find me at Lotus and Roxy.

My wardrobe consists of Ralph Lauren polo shirts in pastel colors with the collar popped-up, flip-flops and ruffly skirts. And I carry a Coach bag. I drive a BMW. My parents like to buy me guilt-presents, because they both control extensive corporate empires and because they shipped me off to boarding school at age 14 (too old to have a nanny, too young to all-out neglect).

So what am I looking for? A tattoo artist who wears studded leather vests sans-shirt and motorcycle boots. Or maybe a gangbanger in baggy jeans. Or a builder in a wifebeater. Yes, someone cute and blue-collar with big muscles and a Brooklyn accent. I can't wait to introduce you to my parents.

Total Number of Replies: 36
Number of Serious Replies: 26 or 27, some were confusing
Cream of the Crop:

"hi maybee one day you'd like to go out for drinks i work in the financial center in ny lemmie know ttyl you sound nice"
( from somebody called "juggalo")

"grew up in a blue collar neighborhood, with a large cock in great shape...they are sure to hate that , and ill fuck you sensless"

"i believed every single word until "bunny". no way."
You act like it's a weird name to have.

"i teach college in new jersey
am married 50 yo and seeking a play thing
have any ideas
discretion needed"

"how about a nice mafia type"

"fuck you for calling us frogs"

"I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hope this posting is intended as a joke. It's so nauseating it could have been taken straight from the pages of American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. Very sad."

"how about a russian-jew, suspiciously looking, full time always-broke-immigrant-psychodelic-drugs-experementator...so send me your parents picture - i'd love to have some fun with bourgeois, damn it:)))) "

"R u bi? or bi cur? I'm bi cur, also went to boardingschool. 22/f/5'9" 38d"

"its just too bad u didnt state the hottest blue collared carpenters whohave the best party favors in nyc. "
Is he referring to his penis?

"lets make ur parents pay for what they did to you"

"To see a World in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour.

If you tell me who wrote it I'll make you a happy woman."
William Blake, according to Google.

"do u like anal? "
I live for it.

"definately have the brooklyn accent going on here who do you think teaches that fat Ghini Tony Soprano how to sound like an italian lol got some muscles here without the tatoos "

"international student from turkey"

Congratulations, You're Typical

2004-08-15T18:18:00.000-05:00

The Perfect Hipster Accessory - 22

You've got the sexy, shaggy, unkempt greasy-but-not-too-gross hair. You've got flawless skin so pale that you glow in the dark. You've got the ironic vintage shirt, the shabby corduroy blazer and the chic designer jeans. You've got the carefully beat-up Chucks. You've got a two room walk-up in Williamsburg which you share with a highly-strung actor, a struggling writer, a freegan and a docile, hairy guy in a poncho who grows weed under the kitchen sink. To top it all off, you've got your own up-and-coming post-punk band. You're almost perfect. But wait a minute. You're missing something:

The ethnic girlfriend.

Yes, you've got the look down but, as we ALL know, nothing's complete without accessories. You without a ethnic girlfriend is like a messenger bag without thousands of buttons proclaiming your political leanings and your extensive knowledge of music.Well luckily for you, here I am. Your very own, personal, cute, non-threatening, little Asian. What better way to piss off your wealthy blue-blood Greenwich-Hamptons family, without pushing the line, than to date a shy, quiet, non-threatening Asian chick? Yellow's close enough to white, anyway. After all, you wouldn't want your parents to cut you off from your monthly allowance - you might have to get a job and give up your dreams of being a rock star. Anyway, you majored in English and Music at NYU, and teaching's not really your thing.

Also, you really need somebody to drape your arm around after your show, to hand you a beer as soon as you come off stage and to tell you just how good you were. You were SO good. Yes, someone who will complement your style without overshadowing you. Want to coordinate outfits? I've got a vintage crocheted minidress that would look amazing with your tweed jacket.

I can be anything you want, baby. Want me to wear only black and white, sneer and blow smoke into people's eyes? I can do that. Want me to dress like I smoked a bowl of ice and then hitched a ride with Marty McFly in the Delorean? I got you covered. Want me to impress your snotty friends with my extensive vocabulary and vast knowledge of International Relations? I'll read-up on my current events just for you, even though I hide copies of Star magazine in my copy of the Voice. After all, I did go to an elite boarding school and then art-school, where I majored in graphic design.

If I hadn't, would I be the well-dressed, cooler-than-thou hipster I am today?

Also, I'm stick-thin, fashionably bisexual and smoke bidis. I am publicly a socialist but am secretly a rampant materialist. Do you think I actually go to Sal-Val for these ironic shirts? Please. I shop exclusively at Andy's Cheepee's, Cheapjack's and Screaming Mimi's. So what if I have to pay the finder's fee? It's not like I don't have a trust-fund, anyway. I just wait tables at the vegan restaurant to look like I'm slumming it. I don't actually need the money.

So. You need to have me hanging like a wristband off your lanky arm and you know it. Please, bassists and drummers only - and send a picture. I only pretend I'm not shallow.

Total Number of Replies: 24 +
Number of Serious Replies: 13

Cream of the Crop:

"i love to spoil the asian woman i am with...let me be clear, i am not lookng for sex, i just want someone that i can meet and either take shopping, or just give cash to, or spoil and pamper in any other way you might choose...we can start off slow, just meeting briefly so i can give you cash or gifts then if over time we get along, we can see about more spoiling, and maybe even spending more time together, getting to really get to know each other. i would really love someone in my life to spoil regularly."
You have expensive tastes. Why don't you buy a Real Doll?

"Close, but no cigar. I don’t have a rock band yet"

"Awesome. I hope I see you at the Garage Band Fest Saturday. Maybe we can do a bowl. You know what would be cool, if you wore a miniskirt and tank top that matched one of my Les Paul guitars...I used to take the L train, but I got a Vespa now...I like those vintage stores, but the ones on Bedford ave are much cheaper, and I found a Filter CD once for like $4...What are you studying at art school? I went to RISD, but kind of flunked out, but what the fuck, they didn't know what they were teaching."
I don't know whether this guy was being serious or not, to be honest.

"you sound absolutely perfect... we've probably exchanged glances on the L... or seen each other at some loft party or rock show slash festival...i shop at places like andys cheepees and tokyo seven"

"i only have the chance to be a hipster on the weekends...but i definitely have a stock of goodwill t-shirts and four-sizes-too-big plaid pants. i don't actually think i'm stylish enough to be a hipster - i think i'm just a nerd."
At least you admit it, sweetie.

Dream a Little Dream of Cocaine and Volatile Relationships

2004-07-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

Help me fulfil my dreams - 20
Date: 2005-01-04, 4:13PM EST

My life dream is to become an urban hipster at the age of 22, a lifestyle in which I will indulge for about 3 years, before I get into a pretentious law school, sell out and become a yuppie with a black Mercedes SUV, a glowing Caribbean tan, and a penchant for sashimi at dimly-lit restaurants with monosyllabic names.

During those two years, I would manage a mediocre up-and-coming post-punk band. Instead of actually doing anything useful for them, I'd just sit at outdoor cafes in inappropriate burgundy crushed silk-lined velvet coats, big dark sunglasses and scarlet lipstick, drinking espresso, smoking bidis, and chatting on my ironically large black plastic cell phone to someone I repeatedly call “darling” in an affected Oxford British accent while heatedly discussing the latest spawn of the Ukranian independent film industry.

Of course, I would be stick-thin due to my heroin addiction. The bruised, tired-out, hollow-eyed look would lend itself swimmingly to my destitute-but-fabulous and overall bohemian appearance. I would also shun my Asian heritage even more than I already do, and become an embarrassment to my parents when I live-in-sin with a tall and lissom Icelandic bass player named Isleifur, who would have mild homosexual tendencies, beautiful cheekbones, a vintage guitar, an eyebrow piercing, and a rampant and expensive cocaine addiction.

During that time, I would also not have a real job and would instead sponge off my parents, all the while pretending that I had never attended an elitist boarding school or an equally elitist liberal arts school, and that I was living in poverty, despite the $2500 rent on my matchbox studio apartment in Billburg that I share—-along with my boyfriend, and my boyfriend's boyfriend—-with my idle, self-pitying, starving performance artist, gay friend with whom I'd have post-modern, marijuana-fuelled, so-deep-as-to-be-impenetrable night-time conversations on the fire-escape. The final addition to my hipster family would be an obnoxious French narcissist named Olivier who neither cleans up after himself nor has taste in music or women and instead just sits in front of my black-and-white vintage television, playing his Gameboy advance obsessively, and fending off the lusty advances of my live-in-boyfriend's ethereal Swedish Versace model live-in-boyfriend Enar Matteus Cowbelliantus Hagstedt.

I would, irresponsibly, manage to bear three sons: Jorvi, Miguel and Constantine. Jorvi would be the only permanent reminder of my stormy and dramatic relationship with Isleifur, and Miguel would be the result of an adulterous affair with Andres, the sublimely louche and beautiful Argentinean singer of the band that I sort of managed. The youngest son, Constantine, would be the product of a drunken cocaine bender with Enar, who would begin to question his homosexuality, break up with Isleifur, and move out of the studio apartment. The only time we would ever hear from him would be on Constantine's sixteenth birthday, when Enar decides that he wants to be a part of his son’s life, although he has taken refuge in the Three Jewels and has become a Buddhist monk. Constantine would, of course, ignore his father's pleas, and spend the rest of his life in therapy for not having a father figure.

My sons would be beautiful, exquisite creatures who would resent me for having given them terrible, terrible names and would acquire intense Oedipal complexes (which I would ignore), inflicting them emotional and commitment issues for the rest of their lives. When they reach the age of fourteen, they would suddenly hate me for being "like, way too, like, superficial and materialistic and stuff" and sit in their rooms wearing black clothes, hair gel, and listening to embarrassingly bad thrash-metal, whereupon I would ship them off to boarding school.

So, if your name is Enar or Isleifur, or if you're a sublimely louche and beautiful Argentinean singer--drop me a line, and we'll discuss rent.

Total Number of Replies: 28
Number of Serious Replies: 24
Cream of the Crop:

"have you ever had a personal slave to run all your errands and clean for you."
Yes. Doesn't everybody?

"its FULFILL. and dont try so hard. youll get more responses with an ad like IM YOUNG IM CUTE I WANNA MEET A CUTE GUY FOR A DRINK"

"Pictures. Doesn't anyone take the time to get to know people anymore? is it all about the shopping list? tall +5, bites his cuticles -3, six-figure income+20, ugly feet -15, the list goes on and on."
I feel like that's how the college admission process works.

"god dam that was almost as painful to read as it was to invision."
I can envision how painful reading must be for you.

"You are hideously descriptive and have a penchant for acute distractions."

"The rent is manageable, the question is are you focused for a relationship with an older than you man!"

"hii its me nick"
Hi, you Nick!

The Good-Humoured Minority:
"Many were the times I was asked, "but how can you be a capitalist and call yourself an artist?" Hm...maybe it's because I work for a living and can't afford to take off to D.C. to get naked outside of MSG in a lame (and really just confusing) attempt to get George Bush to create a new Palestinean state!"

"if you feel a sudden and unexplicable urge to hump your screen after seeing my almost-prince-charming-calibre pics but relucted because you rather fleece me of a $1000 dinner first before telling me that "we don't have much in common, but thanks for the dinner" , i'm all ears! enjoying the only overcrowded city on Earth that still manages to be the best one to guarantee the start of a new year in soul-crushing isolationism"

"The only thing you're missing is that a reality TV show should spring up from your complex-ridden family, so that the rest of the world (or at least the rest of the world living in trailer homes) can appreciate your success."

Drugs Will Fuck You Up:
"I wish I had a penny for everytime a girl in the bigcity wanted a piece of an a lounge singer fromUbangebange. I would be ...I'd have ...,.If I had aDIME ,yes ,a dime,...Im going nowherewith this ,Im much more fluid in the real...You'rewords ,are like music,,,,to my .....eyes?,I guess.Your probably published ,and if your not you shouldbe....I like pancakes, just like most guys...Afterweening away my spoonfeed tendencies.Decided I 'd getaway, "Away from a land so battered and torn"J.H.. Idont even know why im writing all this ...shit.. I'dlove to have some converstion...... and pancakes . ,Inwhat evert order you feel more comfortable with . "

Candlelight, Roses and Generic Brand Oreos

2004-06-12T19:30:00.000-05:00

All I'm asking for... - 45
Voluptuous BBW with an increasing consciousness of her rapidly fading youth seeks tall, young, chiseled, hard-bodied hottie for fulfilling relationship and to remind her that she is still a desireable woman.

I am a gorgeous, rubenesque and optimistic mature woman. Standing at 5'3" and 300 lbs, I am all the woman you will ever need, right here in one sensual package tantalizingly wrapped in my flowered fluorescent muumuu. I am all soft curves and warm comfort; perfect for young men with lingering Oedipal complexes. Rest your head in my ample bosom, Momma will take care of you.

I have smooth porcelain skin, ocean-blue eyes and thick, lush waves of chestnut hair that cascade softly over my shoulders. People often compliment me on my wonderful hair. I keep it long and luxuriant and I like to pin it back with pretty, colorful, flower-shaped barrettes.

If I may say so myself, I am a whole lot of fun in my own homebody way. There's nothing I like more than cuddling with my two darling cats (Mipsy and Mopsy) in front of a PBS documentary on Saturday nights, munching on generic-brand Oreos ("Tuxedos") and sipping on German wine. You'll be surprised at how much you can learn from a show called "Tesla: Master of Lighting." But I'm pretty flexible, so I'm up for anything. You could probably pry me away from PBS for a night or two to go dancing or bowling or something fun like that!

Anyway, enough about me. I'm looking for a very good looking, 20 to 30 year old young man, someone with Brad Pitt's body, Orlando Bloom's cheekbones and Jake Gyllenhaal's eyes. Personality unimportant. Mild-tempered, docile, sweet, patient, easily-led, gullible and a little unintelligent is a plus.

I have a 21-year-old daughter, who happens to be a swimsuit model so I need someone who will be willing to give all his love and loyalty to me and who will not try to get with my daughter, which won't work anyway because she-well, she doesn't swing that way if you get my meaning. It would help if you could try to be a good father to her as well. Even if you do happen to be younger than her, I'll make sure she respects you as a father-figure. You must be out there. Pic for pic!

Total Number of Replies: 2o
Number of Serious Replies: 17

Cream of the Crop:
"I'm attracted to the sound of you.
A fantastic notion you spell out.
A fluorescent muumuu and luscious curves.."

" Are u really ready to meet a great guy with no false pretenses?...I am 6 feet tall, clean cut, clean...Please put unique nice person in your reply"

"MY NAME IS J***** AND I BELIEVE LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS,LOL"
No, but dynamite can! LOL.

"MY NAME IS J**, I AM VERY SINGLE"
As opposed to just regular single?

"I would love to stray you away from PBS and your cats.
I would love to get into your cat and make you feel desirable.
I llove big tits. Do you like big dicks?
I am 5 7'" and in decent shape.
Tell me if you'd like to keep watching PBS or my PuBeS."
I can't think of a better way to spend my evening than to stare at your pubic hair.

"hello ! well yes i love hot bbws and im looking for a new relationship in the city,send me your hottie pic and ill send you my pic and let me know whats up. i will say im ital / latin wht guy artsy not old fartsy"

"except for the father figure part...I don't know how serious I'd like to get at this time but the Oedipal and PBS stuff are on target and you decribed the physical attributes almost to a "T". "